Why Emotional Safety Matters More Than Passion
The Question Couples Rarely Ask
Many couples come to therapy worried about passion in their relationship, and in the first session, therapists often hear things like, “We don’t feel the spark anymore,” or, “We don’t feel the way we used to.”
Over the course of therapy, these words often change into something different: Do we still feel safe with each other?
Not safe in the obvious physical sense. Safe enough to be honest. Safe enough to be messy. Safe enough to bring up what hurts without fearing withdrawal, dismissal, or escalation.
Over time, I’ve learned that when emotional safety fades, passion and love usually follow. Not the other way around.
Passion Can Exist Without Safety, But It Doesn’t Last
Early passion doesn’t require much safety. In the beginning, our desire is fueled by mystery, chemistry, and different projections we have. We show our best parts to our partners; we see the best parts of them, and we overlook the rest.
But long-term intimacy is different. With everything that life keeps throwing at us (stress, conflict, disappointment, fatigue), our passion towards each other needs something more steady as its foundation. Without emotional safety, our love and desire often become fragile.
I’ve seen couples who still feel attracted to each other, but avoid closeness because conversations feel dangerous. One wrong word turns into a fight. One vulnerable moment becomes ammunition later. Over time, we learn that closeness isn’t safe. And how can we be passionate or intimate without it?
What Emotional Safety Actually Is
When we talk about emotional safety, we don’t mean to never argue with your partner; it’s much more important how we argue. It’s also important to know that our feelings won’t be mocked, minimized, or turned against us. When we feel this, we can trust that our conflict won’t lead to abandonment or emotional shutdown, and we feel confident that repair is possible.
In emotionally safe relationships, partners may still hurt each other, but they know they can come back and reconnect. That safety creates room for relaxation, playfulness, and eventually desire.
What I See When Safety Is Missing
Here are the things you may notice feeling or doing in your relationship that could be signs of decreasing safety:
Walking on eggshells
Holding back thoughts to “keep the peace”
Feeling misunderstood or unseen
Bracing for defensiveness or withdrawal
A Counterintuitive Truth About Desire
We often think passion thrives on intensity, but in reality, it thrives on permission: to be yourself, to disappoint without catastrophe, to say “this hurt” and still feel loved afterward.
How often do you feel like this? Do you know what it feels like? If you do, you probably know that it is a physical experience as much as emotional.
When people feel emotionally safe, their nervous systems relax. They become more open, more expressive, more available. Desire doesn’t need to be forced because it emerges naturally from that openness.
This is why some couples experience a return of intimacy not after romantic getaways or new techniques, but after learning how to listen differently, repair more gently, or fight without fear.
How Couples Build Emotional Safety
Emotional safety isn’t built through grand gestures. It’s built through small, consistent experiences:
Being taken seriously when something matters to you
Receiving curiosity instead of defensiveness
Hearing, “I get why that hurt” instead of, “you’re overreacting”
Knowing that conflict leads to understanding, not distance
These moments teach the nervous system that closeness is safe again. And when closeness feels safe, desire often follows.
Passion Grows Where Safety Lives
This doesn’t mean passion doesn’t matter. It does. But passion alone can’t sustain intimacy.
I’ve seen many couples rekindle desire not by chasing the spark they once had, but by creating something deeper, a sense of emotional home. From that place, affection feels easier. Touch feels less pressured. Desire feels less like a performance and more like a response.
If you’re worried about passion in your relationship, it may help to look underneath it, and working with a couples counselor can support you in rebuilding emotional safety and connection.. Because passion is powerful, but emotional safety is what allows it to last.
About the Author
Arkadiy Volkov, RP, is a Registered Psychotherapist and founder of Feel Your Way Therapy in Toronto. He leads a diverse team of therapists offering compassionate, evidence-based care to individuals, couples, children, and families. With a focus on building emotional connection and resilience, Arkadiy’s practice supports clients from all walks of life through both in-person and virtual therapy, helping them navigate challenges and create more fulfilling relationships