The Challenges of Dating When You Have Past Childhood Trauma
For most people, dating and starting a new relationship can be a stressful time. The stresses can be both positive and negative. It can be fun to meet new people, to flirt, feel attractive, and explore possibilities. Starting a new relationship can also be an opportunity to express other facets of yourself which were lacking in previous relationships. If you tended to be more of a homebody or an introvert, you might feel ready to develop your adventurous side. You might be excited to try activities you’ve never experienced before.
Negative stresses can include, going on numerous dates with people who aren’t a good match for you, normal fears around rejection, and feeling like you need to perform in order to make a good impression.
If you have a history of childhood trauma, dating can take on more complexities.
Trust May Come More Slowly
It’s likely your earliest relationship role-models were your parents or caregivers. When you grow up with childhood trauma, you may have been exposed to relationships filled with violence, addiction, aggression, inconsistency, or emotional neglect. Growing up in those conditions will certainly affect your ability to trust a new dating partner. You may have more guards up which is perfectly understandable.
Become Attached Too Quickly
This may seem like a contradiction given what was stated in the previous section but attachment may occur in spite of the lack of trust you may inherently feel. In fact, it’s important to be on the look-out for this tendency as it may cause you to overlook or minimize potential yellow or red flags in a new dating partner.
Difficulty Setting Boundaries
If you grew up with an overbearing or frightening parent, you may find it challenging to speak up for yourself. Over giving and pleasing your partner may be a primary focus. Identifying your own needs and wants may feel like a foreign concept.
Struggle With Insecurity
When you’re raised in an environment where you did not feel truly safe either physically, emotionally, or mentally, this creates a recipe for self-doubt and poor self-esteem. This can look like questioning your value or your worth in relationships. You may believe that you’re not good enough or deserving of things that other people deserve. You may also persistently question your likeability or lovability.
Attract Unhealthy Relationships
One of the most difficult things to face when it comes to dating when you’ve had a history of childhood trauma is the tendency to find yourself again and again in either unhealthy relationships or unhealthy relationship dynamics. When it comes to unhealthy relationships, it’s not uncommon to attract partners who either treat you poorly or leave you feeling similar to how you felt in your family of origin. For example, you may have felt invisible or ignored as a child and now have a history of dating partners who are emotionally disconnected.
Healing and Moving Forward
Having a history of childhood trauma does not mean you are sentenced to a life of unhealthy relationships. Once you’re aware of how childhood trauma negatively impacts your current relationships, you can begin to take steps forward to address and heal from your past.
Trauma therapy is an effective way to release distressing events and circumstances from your past which still have a hold on you and influence how you show up in your current relationships. Under the guidance of a trained trauma therapist, you will work on a number of things including restoring your sense of safety and value in yourself. This will allow your future relationships to thrive and flourish.
To learn more about trauma therapy, please reach out and schedule a consultation appointment.
About the Author
Lalo Rivera, LPC, SEP is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Somatic Experiencing Practitioner. As the owner of The Listening Body Counseling Services, she is a firm believer in the transformative power of the mind-body connection as a portal for healing. She specializes in helping individuals overcome complex trauma and PTSD with body-oriented approaches.