Multicultural Relationships Issues
You and your partner are lying in bed, engaging in conversation before falling asleep. You blink, and somehow you are arguing about something that seemed so simple moments ago. Perhaps you are having a disagreement about how to spend the upcoming holidays or whether you should call your parents every day.
As this continues, you both find yourselves wondering why the other person can't see your perspective. Welcome to the beautiful, and sometimes messy, reality of multicultural relationships.
The Invisible Scripts We Carry
When it comes to falling in love, there aren't any explicit rules. The heart wants what it wants.
What nobody tells you is that falling in love across cultures means more than just two people being in a relationship. There are, however, generations of unspoken rules about everything from how you show affection to how you interact with family to what holidays look like, and so on.
The invisible scripts we all carry run pretty deep. They are the foundation of life that you don't realize are still there until you partner with someone who operates differently. Suddenly, you're faced with having to negotiate routines and habits that have, up until now, flowed quite naturally:
How do you celebrate birthdays and holidays
How do you handle conflict
Whether or not affection can be displayed in public
What family obligations look like
How you manage finances
How do you make decisions
Even the most mundane aspects of your daily life can be up for negotiation.
When Love Meets Cultural Expectations
When it comes to cultural expectations, the pressure can come from anywhere. One or both of your families may have opinions about who you should be with and what the relationship should look like. You may have one side of the family be welcoming while the other is more distant. Different environments can change your approach to bonding, leading to code-switching to fit in.
Then there's the guilt factor. Specific dynamics may put you in a position where you feel like you're choosing your partner over your family. By choosing them, you're somehow betraying or disappointing your family.
You may experience emotional exhaustion over having to translate your family's views to your partner's family. Trying to blend differing views on achievement, money, careers, and gender roles can take effort.
Questions You Ask Yourself
When matters outside of your direct partnership require this much effort, you may wonder if it's normal to feel this torn. Is it fair to love your partner deeply while also feeling frustrated by cultural differences that create conflict? Is it too much to ask that your family accept your choices without inserting their commentary?
Maybe you wonder if your relationship can withstand these cultural differences in the long run? Or is it even worth it to put in this much effort?
Finding Your Way Forward
At the end of the day, multicultural relationships require more effort. The sooner you become comfortable with being uncomfortable, the better chance you'll have of navigating this path.
Despite the stress they may cause in select moments, multicultural relationships offer you the chance to create something that is entirely yours. The opportunity to write your own rules, choose which cultural norms you'd like to keep, and build a future that suits both of you equally.
Moving forward in the healthiest way possible requires having the tough conversations. Be curious rather than defensive when acknowledging your differences. Speak honestly about what matters most to you. And when necessary, set boundaries with any family members who try to interfere with your process.
Let's Talk
If you're struggling to find balance in your multicultural relationship, you're not alone. Relationship counseling can help ease any tensions and develop strategies that honor both of your identities.
Reach out so we can chat about how to bring more authenticity to your relationship.
About the Author
Shanni Liang, LCSW, is an Asian American therapist and the founder of Therapy with Shanni. She is dedicated to empowering deep thinkers, overachievers, and rebels to find love in dating and relationships, take up space, and achieve balance in their careers. As a recovered perfectionist, Shanni specializes in relational dynamics, career fulfillment, and trauma processing. Her extensive clinical background spans diverse settings, including crisis counseling, school social work, and various mental health clinics. Connect with her for flexible, personalized therapy.